Starting up a new blog, and I'm unsure whether or not I will continue,

Saturday, January 10, 2004

A Question Anyone Might Ask... 

Why do I feel exponentially lonelier at night? During the day, I have any number of activities to preoccupy my mind. Sad thoughts do creep in, but they're much easier to deal with or push away, depending on my circumstances. When I'm home alone in the evening, I feel as though I am trapped here, with no exit, no catharsis. I'm not the only one who feels like this, I am well aware, but I do wonder if it ever gets better. I have been away from my parents for the past four years now, but this is the first time that I am alone in my own apartment.

For all the sanity-testing moments that roommates bring, they do have their merit. First, it's a constant presence. Akin to a safety net. They may not be home, but knowing that they will eventually arrive is comforting. Second, it means company. You can watch tv, chat during meal times, or any other time for that matter. Third, a handy bug killer. I am uber creeped out by the roaches, and I know that the worst (ie. summer) is yet to come. My current apartment will probably be a haven for the buggers, despite a monthly extermination. Fourth, I feel safer. I don't know why that's so important, and in part, I chide myself for feeling this way. I should be much stronger than this, but I'm not. I stay up really late every night until I'm virtually exhausted, just so that I don't have to deal with all the apartment noises that freak me out. Consequently, I am sleep deprived. Stay up late, go up early.

Sleepdeprivation is not a good habit to cultivate, and I hope that anyone else can do a better job overcoming this than me. I was a bit frightened this afternoon. I had a decent breakfast, and that will typically carry me over until early afternoon, when I have returned home from my classes. Today, I was oncredibly shaky, and I felt as if any moment I would pass out. I could not bring myself to hurry so I could make the bus, so I stopped for a carb-boosting hot drink to keep me going a little bit. It didnt work. I rushed home afterwards, and fell on my bed, where I slept for 2.5 hours. I was in a similar situation once before, but a result of stress. I very nearly passed out-my entire world darkened, my body sweat profusely, my heart was pounding. Luckily, I didn't lose consciousness, but I promised myself that I would never let this happen again. And look at what I do...

I want to take better care of myself. You wouldn't think it would be so difficult...

Goodnight all.

Monday, January 05, 2004

Turning Around 

The school thing doesn't have me so down anymore. It looks as though it can all be worked out. Hopefully for the best. Funny how every so often your pride gets beaten down to even lower levels. I don't even have particularly high self esteem. I'd say it's on the low side, for reasons I won't go into, because this is a public blog after all.

Tonight, as with every night, I am feeling very lonely. Maybe I should have entitled this thread "Desperately Seeking Boyfriend". Maybe not desperate, but I so very much want a man to love, who loves me. I'd love to live with someone, or get married. I want someone to watch tv with, someone to come home to. Only me and just about every other person on earth....

HTML Illiterate 

The damned comment thing at the bottom isn't working for me. I tried putting one on there just in case someone wanted to say something about something I said (!?). If you have anything to say to me, just email: athena200@hotmail.com

How's this for Failure? 

This whole grad school thing is turning out to be a colossal failure. There were two profiicieny exams I had to take before beginning my programme: a sight exam in Greek and another in Latin. I just got two letters in the mail today, one stating that I failed the Greek exam, the other saying the same about the Latin. I didn't really expect to fail both. It's a huge setback, because now I can only take undergraduate level Greek and Latin courses. I also have to retake the exam later this semester, but I must pass. If not, then I pack up and go home. I'm beginning to wonder if I ever should have come here at all. The entire thing has been one uphill battle.

Not only that, but it's a huge blow to my ego. What a way to start off a new year at a new school. I'm sure they all think I'm a huge idiot and that I shouldn't have bothered coming. I don't really want to face any of the other grad students, knowing that I'm still relegated to undergrad courses.

And...I was waiting at the bus stop and a 50 year old black man hit on me. It was wierd. At first I thought he was one of these people that just wants to unload their whole life story. He told me about how he dropped out of school, went back to get a GED at 40, then went to college, but was forced out because he partied too much. Now he's been separated for six months and has had two short term relationships. They were both interracial, because he finds there to be more chemistry. Then he asked if I was seeing anyone. Yikes. I copped out and said "yes". Funny thing is, he moved right on to the next white girl.

Then it start to pour rain, and a large black woman invited me to sit under her umbrella. I did, because I was getting really wet, and then she proceeded to "unload", but she never hit on me :-)

Needless to say, I'm not having a very good day.


Sunday, January 04, 2004

The People Downstairs 

Why must they be so obnoxious? They really freak me out. I hope they go to bed soon, because my nerves are shattering. I don't know what to make of it...I don't know if it's even a race issue. I'll be honest: I come from a place where most people are white, and the scattered black people there are pretty much white, behaviourally. Here, there's a whole Black Culture, and it's different. That's different in a not-sure-what-to-make-of-it way. I've spoken to them, and they're friendly, but some manage to creep me out. When I'm standing alongside the road they like to slow down their vehicles and say something to me. Please don't do that. It's skeevy. I know that white people can and are often this way, but it seems to be more prevalent here...and those that live downstairs are always loudly proclaiming things and sometimes playing their hip hop music. These people also enjoy making use of profanities. I know that some people naturally say "fuck" every second word and it means nothing to them, but to me it's intimidating. I am actually afraid of these people, when they may very well be harmless. Idiots, but harmless.


I was awoken bright and early this morning, approximately 8 am, by the guy downstairs playing hip-hop music. Because all I really need to hear is "mothafucka" and other such profanities first thing in the morning. Oddly enough, the same thing happened the last Sunday I was here. What is wrong with this guy/these people? Who the hell blasts music early Sunday morning? I could understand if it were a Saturday night, but this is ludicrous. not to mention that it's a direct lack of respect for surrounding tenants.

I did what any good neighbour would do: I call enforcement. Grrr....Now I'm actually weary of getting beaten up in a back alley if this guy finds out it was me who complained...

I did nothing much today. After the early morning interlude, I went back to sleep until noon, frigged around on the internet for a couple hours, had an shower, and took some solid time to really shave my legs. I feel spiffy clean.

Saturday, January 03, 2004

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)High
Level 2 (Lustful)High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)High
Level 7 (Violent)Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

And yet another. Before long, this page will be filled with these silly quizzes.
Your heart is broken. You were in love and somehow
or someway, it became lost to you and you have
never fully recovered. You yearn for someones
gentle kiss but know not where to find it and
are afraid of being hurt again. Have faith
little lost one, if you let it, love will
flourish for you again.

What is Your Hearts True Desire?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sometimes the dumbest things bug me.
Back again!

I completely forgot what I was going to talk about. Oh yes, I was going to apologize for the faulty grammar and lax sentence structure of my previous entry. I'm not saying that it won't happen again, however.

To continue with my expatriate rambling, I find that everything in the United States is different, right down to food packaging. I know that every culture and region has certain foods and tastes, but why is it so difficult to find a good jar of Cheese Whiz? Maybe it's just a Southern thing, but around here, Cheese Whiz is marketed as a dip, rather than I spread. I'm used to (and addicted to) spreading this on my toast in the morning, afternoon, or evening. Does the dip taste any different than the spread? I'm considering buying some, but I may back out because I'm too cheap to pay the $2.70 at the grocery store to try it out. I'm not keen on the dip, and I don't want to get stuck with aj ar of something I don't want, when I could have easily spent that money on something more nutritious, like ice cream.

All this talk about food brings me to the topic of fast food. I now know why Americans are touted as being the world's fattest country. Fast food restaurants are EVERYHWERE. In my neighbourhood there are more than you can shake a stick out. The portions are huge, too. It's insane. Where's a good coffee or bagel shop when you need one?

This may partly be a knee jerk reaction, because my list of differences and piss-offs goes on ad infinitum (how's that for pretentious Latin use?).

That said, lets turn the tables:

I'm not sure what I think of Paul Martin. On the one hand, it's good to have somebody new, and who can actually speak both official languages ("a proof is a proof unless it's not a proof," anyone?). On the other hand, people are always getting sucked into the "it's time for a change" idea. Does it ever really live up to our expectations? I guess it's the frame of mind you get pushed into after years of crap (see Newfoundland's Danny Williams). Does it ever get better? PM is a little too conservative for my choice as PM, also. I think he might renege on the gay marriage thing...not totally, but I'll bet he'll cave and call gay "marriages" something else that's not a marriage, because as we all know, marriage is between a man and a woman. And as we all know, the English language never evolves. Where's a rolling eye smiley when you need one?

Here goes. A first blog. Apparently these things are pretty popular, so I thought I'd see what all the fuss was about. It really is more of an online diary. I was never interested in writing personal things in books with faulty looks, but here I am now, posting this for anyone who's interested to see (and I'm sorry if you are).

I'm in a lousy mood tonight. Moving to a new place, a new culture, new country, is incredibly difficult. I was lonely before from a lack of solid companionship, but now it's intense. I don't have family or friends to talk to or hang out with. I find it incredibly strange to be in America. This is so not the greatest country on earth. Move a little north, guys.

Yes, I will probably tote and wave my Canadian flag (which I just read tonight was annoying to Yanks) around here, because I can. So, to any re-located Canadians, you'll probably agree with me I'm my thoughts that in general, America is a crappy place to live. If you're rich, I can't imagine there being any problem, but when you're a cash strapped foreign student, in a land where all the native students have major moulah, you find it hard.

When talking to Americans, I don't get any perception that they think differently than I do, but on a more general level, they respond to everything with violence, sex, and food. All these things are big, in your face, and everywhere. It's "normal" for people to get shot at a fast food restaurant. So, I hole up in my apartment hoping that if someone does break into my apartment, they just do it when I'm not here.

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